Look not for others’ shortcomings

According to a famous quote by an unknown author, “Nobody is perfect and everybody has flaws, but it takes a real man and a real woman to look past those flaws.” Another one reads: “No one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers.”

The bottom line therefore is that nobody is perfect. We all have our different characteristics. Our merits and shortcomings vary. Most men and women have some shortcomings.

It is very common to hear men and women talking about finding a spouse who is perfect, even though such hopes are unrealistic. It is unlikely to find a woman who regards her husband as perfect or vice versa. Being humans we are always in search of faults in people around us. Women undoubtedly are always in a bid to find faults in their partners, and one way or the other they always find.

But have you paused to examine the consequences dwelling on a particular shortcoming can cause in your life or relationship? Women would find a trivial shortcoming and exaggerate it by dealing on the matter to the point that it becomes an unbearable impediment. Some men are also guilty of this too! This defect then replaces all the merits of the husband. They always compare their husbands with other men. They have established a so-called ideal man in their imaginations whose standards do not fit in their husbands and not even in reality.

Women in this situation regard themselves as unfortunate and failures which gradually turn them into spiteful women. In the process they are always complaining about the shortcomings in their marriage. ‘I wish I had married so and so; I wish my husband looked like.., I wish my husband’s job was…, I wish… “I wish…“I wish…”. The list of wishes keep increasing day after day but they never come through because new shortcomings are always been noticed everyday in the other person.

Marriage councillor, Amina Ahmed of Asokoro, says “Why should you imprison yourself with negative thoughts? Why should anyone upset the foundations of his/her marriage? How sure are you that if any of those wishes came through you would be a happier person? Are you sure that the wives of those so-called ‘faultless’ men are satisfied with them?”

Asides these questions she poses she also says “we know our side of the fence is green but how convenience that the other side is greener. We forget that some people are good at hiding every struggle and pain behind a smile. The person you might be envious of might be in a worse situation than yourself but the only difference is that they are more tolerant and patient than you are. I bet you if you can see what is going through the mind of the other person you will realise your own side of the fence is greener than ever.”

For how long can we keep looking for shortcomings in our men or marriages? By the way of what use are these shortcomings to the marriage or relationship. If you ask me, it doesn’t have any positive sides but only negativity with it. It is bound to destroy the union. We should look to address whatever shortcomings immediately and not use it to work against the other person or torture the other person as a way of causing pain or discontent” says Mariam Kande Yusuf, an Abuja based housewife.

The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: ‘There is nothing worse for human beings than to seek the faults of others, while ignoring their own flaws’. Why should you exaggerate a trivial fault which is what most women do? It is possible that they may shatter their family life over a trivial matter. Of course all women are not like this. There are those who are intelligent, realistic, and aware enough that they do not foolishly jeopardize their marriage and happiness by exaggerating the shortcomings in their marriages.

Have you ever paused to ask what does such behaviour in a woman does to her partner? This would likely lead towards mutual arguments and elaborations of the shortcomings in each other. You will both become contemptuous of each other and life will turn into a series of rows and arguments. Thus, you either will live in misery together or go for a divorce. In either case, both will lose, especially when there is no guarantee that another marriage may prove otherwise.

Be wise and stop being frivolous. Try to create a warm atmosphere in your family and enjoy the blessings of Allah. However, there may be flaws in your husband’s character which you may be able to correct. If so, then you can succeed only by behaving considerately with patience. You must not criticize him or start a row, but approach him in a friendly manner.

His might not be perfect, but he may have many merits. If you are interested in your marriage and your family then do not focus on his shortcomings. Do not regard his small defects as important. Do not compare him with an ideal man (this also applies to husbands) whom you have established in your mind. There may be some faults with your husband which are not present in others. But you should remember that other men may have other defects which are non-existent in yours. Be patient and you will consequently see that his merits outweigh his faults.

Besides why should you expect a perfect husband when you are imperfect yourself. If you are proud enough to think you are perfect, then set out to ask people how they sincerely feel about you. You will be surprised at the number of shortcomings people have against you.  What goes around they say comes around.