In recent weeks, stories abound of how divorced couples have perpetrated dastardly acts all in a bid to take custody of the kids. One of such cases happened in Kano where an 11-year-old child was actually cut by his mother allegedly in an attempt to divide him into two equal parts for her and her former husband to take one each. Weird you would say.
It is a known fact that getting over a divorce is not easy, particularly for women, so also having to fight for custody of the kids. But with patience and calmness parents can learn to stay in control even in the face of pressure.
For Mrs Anne Godwin Obianuju, a social welfare official, “It is normally not easy especially in our African setting and culture. But I always advice couples who find themselves in such difficult situations to opt for joint custody. Co-parenting amicably with an ex can give children stability and a close relationship with both parents but it’s rarely easy. Despite the many challenges, it is possible to develop a cordial working relationship with your ex for the sake of your children. You can remain calm, consistent, and avoid or resolve conflict with your ex and make joint custody work. It’s in the best interest of the kids particularly if they are still young.”
Having been in the situation of fighting child custody before, Antoinette Emma explains that is not an easy task for women to fight for child custody. “When you got married, you thought that the ‘I do’ meant forever. Unfortunately, as the years go by you realize that you can’t put up with the pretense anymore and decide to separate from your spouse but I bet you one thing it’s not going to be easy when it comes to deciding on the kids. I know what I’m talking about because I have been down that lane before. It isn’t easy.”
She added that “As women the one thing that we all want most is the fact that we can’t compromise on the welfare of our kids so we want sole responsibility of the kids even if we have nothing to sustain them. If I had not be given custody of my kids I would have opted to stay in the marriage no matter what for the sake of my kids but it means I will die an early death. But I tell you it’s never an easy fight or child custody.”
No one can blame you for wanting to get custody of your children. And no one can blame your ex for wanting that same thing. Being separated from your children is one of the most awful experiences in the world and it’s a natural instinct to fight to prevent that from happening. But custody battles are traumatizing to the children involved and you want to do everything that you can to minimize the fight while working out the details of custody.
Separation greatly affects the family especially the children. There could be individual reason why a husband is seeking for full custody against the wife or vice versa. As much as possible, it’s important not to let the children get in the middle of divorce and make them pay for a sin they knew nothing about. Respect is something you can reap out of respect. Children who have had bad childhood carry the stigma until they grow old. It’s important for parents to remain subtle to their children’s needs despite the turmoil happening in the family.
“Before trying to get custody of your kids, consider carefully what kind of custody you want. You’re probably going to say that you want full custody. However, unless your ex was abusive or will be putting your kids in danger, you’re probably only going to be able to get joint custody. Sit down and think over an ideal custody arrangement that would work for you, what terms you’d be willing to negotiate about and what isn’t acceptable to you. Planning this in advance of actually negotiating with your ex will help you to reach a custody agreement that you both can live with and equally maintain.” Says social welfare official, Mrs Anne
It is also important not to compromise the emotions and safety of the children just because of the emotional turmoil you are going through. You may never completely lose all of your resentment or bitterness about your break up, but what you can do is separate those feelings and remind yourself that they are your issues, not your child’s. Resolve to keep your issues with your ex away from your children. This way you save them a lot of emotional trouble.
Another important thing in custody matters is never use your kids as messengers to your ex. This way you are indirectly putting your child in the center of the conflict between you two. We should also always try to keep our issues to ourselves. Most women and even men are fond of saying negative things about their ex to their kids just to paint a bad picture of the other parent. Remember your child has a right to a good relationship with the mum or dad whichever the case maybe. This relationship should be free of your influence as the child grows he makes his own judgment of each parent.
It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one. There is no need to see it as a tug of war that is entirely about the wellbeing of your children, and not about either of you. Your marriage may be over, but your family is not; doing what is best for your kids should be your priority. The first step to being a mature, responsible mother is to always put your children’s needs ahead of your own.
Join Daily Trust WhatsApp Community For Quick Access To News and Happenings Around You.
