Preparing kids for junior

It is a natural for children to experience sibling rivalry at some stage or the other. The rivalry can also manifest in different forms as a result of a variety of reasons as well, but the most prominent which has been found to be the most upsetting to the children themselves is the rivalry that comes with the birth of a sibling.

A baby’s arrival is usually a joyous period for a family, but for some older children, it could be a time of confusion as their routine may be disturbed and attention shifted to the newborn.

“My fourth child was my first boy and my third daughter who was four at the time did not welcome his arrival at all,” said Hajia Mairo Salihu, a 50-year old retiree. “She kept complaining that now I had a son, all my attention was focused on him. I woke up one morning to find her packing some cloths in a polythene bag, she said she was moving out of my house to leave with her aunt next door. Ten days after she eventually came to visit me and I had the opportunity to explain to her that the baby was part of her and loved her a lot. I put him on her laps and that seemed to do the magic. She became enthusiastic to help me with simple tasks concerning him.”

Mr. David Ramju, a dealer in stationeries, said he started preparing his two older children by getting them to be generous. “After my wife and I had told them there was a new sister on the way, we started asking what they would be willing to share with her. It seemed like fun initially as they even on their own started putting together a list of things they would give her. But when the baby came, they seemed to have a change of heart. The first one cynically said if you and mummy are buying her new things why should I share my already old things with her. In no time her sister followed. It took a lot of cajoling, pampering and getting them to see the resemblances they all had before they relaxed and began playing with her.”

Some mothers like 40-year-old Aduke Ogedengbe did not find it easy. “As I was returning home from hospital with my second baby, the older one was standing by the door literarily instructing me to go back with the baby. His father calmed him down before he managed a smile at me. The following day, I saw him standing over the baby telling him that this house wasn’t his father’s own and he should hurry up and start walking so that he can go back to his parents. Another time the shrilling cry of my baby made me run into the living room where I had left him to go into the kitchen. I found his older brother pulling his ears and telling him to shut up. I gave him a good spanking and warned him never to try it again.”

The lace trader laments that it’s been difficult getting him to accept that he is not the only child. “People have said he is this way because of the five-year gap between them. Some say it’s because I didn’t properly prepare him for the baby’s arrival. The 33-year-old housewife lamented that  “I have heard so many prescriptions on what I should have or should do. It’s a little worrisome for me, because I don’t want him to grow up like this.”

In situations like this, psychologist, Mrs. Ngozi Onyema, advises parents to encourage older children to help with caring for the baby. Parents should try to ease the older ones into their new role as big sister or big brother and allow them help take care of the baby like fetch diapers, etc. The older children know how much they appreciate the help. When they don’t want to help, parents shouldn’t force them.

Onyema adds that “parents should make sure they spend with their children. The older ones need the assurance that their parents haven’t abandoned them and parents should try to make time for their older children when the baby is awake, as well as asleep so that bonding is easier. This way older children don’t think it’s only when the baby is nit there that the parents have their time.”