Spotting – and avoiding – those nasty ‘marriage killers’

Many couples make the mistake of allowing some great mistakes that affect their union without even thinking of the circumstances that follow such conducts. Even in moments of great conflict and discouragement, divorce is no solution; it merely substitutes a new set of miseries for the ones left behind! It is best to guard your marriage against any unforeseen erosion as though you were defending your live!

Marriage is not a bed of roses as there are various challenges. Of course, no marriage is the same with another,  even if two twins marry themselves. What happens in this family would not take place in another family, even if it does, time, circumstances and causes would definitely be different. Things – both old and new, similar and different would keep occurring. Some due to our making while others are unplanned and unforeseen. It means that we keep learning on a daily basis.

Marriage is an institution where our strengths and weaknesses are challenged and put to test and scrutinized every single day. We all can make the marriage or relationship worth the while with the right attitude.

There are different things that kill a marriage. Knowing them and having an idea of how to prevent or fix them can go a long way in saving your marriage.

Mrs. Ajuwon Modupe explains that one of the biggest marriage killers is lack of respect. “Once there is no respect in a marriage, it can never survive the test of time. For a marriage to be successful and happy, the couples must learn to respect one and another. If there is no respect in marriage then you are bound to have two captains in one ship, which could be disastrous. Even among our peers, everyone deserves his or her respect not to talk of our spouses. This is one value most couples fail to value and implement in their lives.”

Showing respect to your spouse can go a long way in towards getting you through the normal conflicts and challenges of marriage. Lack of respect and hurtful statements and blatant disregard for your spouse is one strong and big signal that the marriage is heading towards severe conflict. The possibility of a divorce cannot be ruled out in such instances where respect is lacking in the marriage. If two people don’t have respect for one another, they won’t find common ground on how to resolve their conflicts without tearing one another down; then the marriage is doomed!

“Communication, regardless of what challenges you face in your marriage, is an absolute must!” says Waleed Bappha, an Islamic scholar in Abuja.  And if it is lacking then you should know that one of the marriage killers has just invaded your home. Ustaz Waleed goes on to say that “if you can’t communicate with your spouse, then how can things change for the better? Our inability to clearly communicate with our spouse also clearly shows the negative tendencies that could happen in the future. Some couples are naturally gifted communicators while others are not. Good communication is necessary in every successful marriage as communication breakdown could hamper a lot of positive outcomes in the marriage. A marriage without communication is a failed institution which can never be redeemed.” Body language is another way to start a communication process. It should be thoroughly explored especially if one of the couple reads body language effectively.

Selfishness is another thing that could destroy marriages. When we think of ourselves and how our marriage should meet our needs notwithstanding what the other person goes through, then the marriage begins to corrode within. The marriage should be the number one priority than individual needs. There are two kinds of people in the world – givers and takers!

A marriage that involves two takers can be a wonderful thing but when we have a giver and a taker, then friction would be the order of the day as selfishness will definitely devastate the marriage at any point in time.

The next marriage killer that is just as bad as a lack of respect is a lack of trust. Zeenat Ali, an Abuja-based marriage counselor, says  “if you and your partner don’t trust one another, in all aspects of your relationship, then your marriage is like a sinking ship with no lifeboats. No one can survive in a relationship without trust. Not having trust tears at your heart and your very soul, and stops communication before it ever starts. If you can’t trust the person you have committed the rest of your life to, then how can you expect to make it through the rest of your lives together? Trust is no doubt the foundation of a happy and successful marriage.”

Another marriage killer is unnecessary interference from outside especially friends and in-laws. These categories of people are essential but most times some of them tend to over step their boundaries. This often turns out to be destructive for most marriages. Many of such relations mean well, some of them often fail to understand the mindset of the couple. To avoid this, couple should treat their marriage as priority and should take precedence over every most human relationships including unnecessary interference of parents. Couples could discuss an issues concerning their lives and only seek the counsel of relations before arriving at a decision when it is necessary but not to make the ultimate or final decision.