How not to safeguard marriage

Give or take, the husband is the overall head of the family, while the wife serves the very vital roles of being the helper, adviser, friend and comforter, among others. The husband is not just to reciprocate these gestures and complement them; he must ensure the general welfare of the family including that of the wife. The economic situation of today is reducing many husbands below the level of actually being the head of the family. Some men who understand the situation have a way of going around and about the delicate situation to keep the union intact.

There is this story of a woman whose husband would deliberately give her N60 as feeding allowance for their family of four. Being a working mother, she would complement this amount with the little she earned working as a janitor in a private hospital. Tired of her husband’s exploitation, she decided to teach him a lesson.

The next pay day, she went to the market with his N60 and bought foodstuff worth that amount and prepared his dinner with it while she bought her heart’s craving and prepared dinner for herself and their two children. On the dinner mat, he realised he was served a meatless miyan kuka while his family was relishing mutton soup with vegetable.

Naturally, he requested an explanation which she obliged him. Sequel to that, he became furious and decided to prove to the woman that he was the man and a woman does not do that to one. He became hell bent on ensuring she loses her job and proceeded to do just that. He complained to the Medical Director that his family is suffering because of his wife’s being inconsiderate, abandoning their two children with inadequate care and wanted him to sack her in the interest of his home. With the feeling of male camaraderie and support, the M.D terminated the lady’s appointment to the man’s delight, so, she returned to the life of penury where he remained boss with his N60

This is only a parable of many of the things women go through due to male solidarity. Women do make so many sacrifices for the sake of their marriages, which ordinarily, an outsider would not understand because they do not wish that to happen. For the sake of saving face and saving their families’ name, women do swallow lots of abuse from their husbands – except of course sometimes such hard pills get stuck in the throat and they have to throw up.

Often, society conspires against women hiding behind safeguarding the sanctity of marriage. There are many ways of safeguarding one’s marriage and whosoever is in it knows where it pinches the most. For some, the best way of safeguarding their marriage is by keeping themselves occupied being productive in doing what they love doing without facing endless hours of frustration at home. For others it is keeping a safe distance while still respecting each other. At times, this decision does not go down well with the man who prefers her to remain at home no matter the circumstance and thus huffs and puffs with such force that people begin urging the woman to tarry a while in the interest of their marriage. Where she refuses to give in, you find that she becomes the primary target of conspiracy and pressure to reconsider and return to her life of abuse. Is blind solidarity justified for any reason at all? Is it always positive to encourage the woman to swallow chauvinism for the sake of their marriage?

Truth is, blind support in safeguarding marriage most often does more damage to the marriage institution than not. Because many men know that society will support the preservation of the union rather than its break up, take things for granted because come what may, no one would crush a union in the interest of the children. Thus, they treat their wives with disrespect as if women’s hearts do not hold blood. They deny them privileges at will because they believe they can do and undo. Reality is, the Creator that permitted divorce knows that good can come out of it.

If men should realise that support to sustain marriage will not be readily available unless they deserve it will make some of them think twice before embarking on dangerous misbehaviours. If a man really cherishes his marriage, and knows that for being inconsiderate or wayward, he might lose his family; would he still do such?

Marriage in Islam is not one of bondage. It is an institution where the two parties consent to live together each playing his/her roles. None most be forced to remain in a relationship simply because of sustaining it, that is why the sharia offers the unwilling wife the option of opting out (khul’, that is returning the man’s dowry for her liberty).

In fact, there are instances where a court forces divorce even without an option of khul, if a man refuses to let go, while offering full custody of the children to her. Therefore who ever believes man has the final say in a turbulent marriage should think again. Should a woman be forced to live under damaging circumstances, what justice in Islam are we talking about?  Then the religion ceases to be that of justice but that of man.

Of course, religion and society abhor divorce. That is why couples are admonished to exploit all avenues and to see it only as a last resort. They should be convinced to remain together or part because whoever does an action out of conviction does so with tolerance and puts his best. The one being forced works towards nothing or worse still, works towards failure of the goal.

In this generation where there is an explosion of religious and modern knowledge, it would be more profitable to hold each party to account for the failure or success of marriage rather than comradeship. This way, some people might be forced to do the right thing in the interest of all. Urging one party to forebear here in the world so that in the afterlife the Master of the universe will reward the person is good but why not help the erring party too so that while there, the person would thank you for showing him the way thus saving him from the wrath of Master of man?