Life has been very unbearable as my in-laws have made it very frustrating for me due to my inability to have a child after six years of marriage. I and my husband have been certified fit to have children but have not been blessed yet by the Almighty. Life has been very difficult as even friends see my situation as a source of fun and scornful remarks. I am really in a confused state and have on several occasions thought of opting out of the marriage. Please am in a fix, how do I survive this trying period in my life?” these words were from Mrs. Christy Nwanchukwu, who wrote into womanhood to narrate her ordeal.
When will you give us good news? The good news means pregnancy. Most married women have been asked this hopeful question within the first three months of their marriage. Some get the good news, others do not, but when the ‘good news’ takes more than the average time to come along, more often than not, older relatives begin to cast anxious looks and make obvious hints. In some insensitive families, it is an outright attack on the infertile woman if at all she is the one who is barren.
Being childless affects many marriages in many ways, especially negatively. The extreme case is divorce. Before divorce becomes the last resort, it was normally preceded with a couple of tribulations over sometime. Such tribulations could be resentment against the woman by her husband’s kith and kin. In situation such as this, the husband’s mother would be the chief tormentor, ably supported by other in-laws. These kind of ugly scenarios that are always embarrassing to the women involved are common in many Nigerian communities.
There are exceptional cases, however. There are couples who when not able to have children, do not make it look like a civil war. These kind of couple tried as much as possible not to allow their extended family members not to hijack the situation such that to make the wife suffer unjustly. The understanding husband stands by his embattled wife, and together they go searching for solutions to their lack of childlessness. It is to be noted that couples in this kind of condition do not end up in divorce. For Muslims, the man has the liberty to take a second wife. For the Christians, the doctrine of till death does them apart rules out divorce. However, like we pointed out above, such may not be acceptable to many families.
Ironically, not everyone has the goal of becoming a parent, but for those who do, being unable to conceive is definitely traumatising. The woman in this kind of marriage experiences the pain more as all pressure are on her to forgetting that no woman would want to be childless even out of marriage. We have heard and seen cases of women who, for reason of not wanting to be controlled by husband, chose to remain single parent.
It’s absurd that people still blame women for the childlessness. Childlessness affects a marriage differently from couple to couple, for some it could cause grievous pain, shame and the blaming game begins on whose fault it is that the marriage is childless.
The inability to have children can be one of the greatest challenges a woman or couple will ever face. It affects people emotionally, physically, and financially. It can place tremendous stress on a couple’s relationship with family and friends.
On a physical level, the experience of being examined and tested monthly, weekly, or even daily is embarrassing, exhausting, and very expensive. Many childless couples become depressed and anxious. The strain in the marriage and among family members sometimes becomes unbearable. The self-esteem of one or both partners plummets. They often feel lonely, sad and angry. The long series of disappointments that many experience can cause a numbing effect, and depression can result.
A childless marriage can affect the marriage as unnecessary arguments begin to brew and fingers are being pointed and blames are put on every one. Tension will definitely come between the couple but it can be avoided or coped with. Even in the face of infertility it is important to keep the lines of communication open rather than keeping the hurts inside, its better you let it out.
These experiences often make the childless couple feel like a failure. The feelings comes up each time there isn’t any missed periods or when yet another friend or acquaintance announces a pregnancy or new born.
What married couples have to understand when faced with this situation is that it’s not the end of the world. If adopting a child is not an option, it’s best to accept your fate and move on with life. Being content with what you have in life is the right attitude. Marriage counseling will be a great help as well in order to have a better understanding of your situation. Keep in mind that sharing one’s emotions and thoughts with a trustworthy person is an effective way of relieving anxieties.
Childless couples can always lead a happy life if they want to. How? There are steps they can take to keep their marital bond strong amid life’s trials.
First, avoid putting the blame on your partner. While it may be difficult to accept your fate that you won’t ever have an offspring, facing the truth is the only way to go. Blaming your spouse won’t help but will only lead to more guilty feelings and depression.
And by the way who says you can’t be a parent, if adoption is not an option for you, try and involve yourself with children of the family, in the neighbourhood or in social organization, who will benefit from your time and interest. It will also give you the joy of surrogate parenthood.
Accept your situation and eventually other people will learn to accept it too. And, at the end of it all, so what if you don’t have kids? You have each other. Cherish, love and deepen the bonds that tie you both. There’s a lot more in life that you haven’t experienced yet!
By the way friends and relations should be supportive rather than being scornful and making jest about a couples childless situation, remember nothing is permanent in this world and if you feel you have and some else does not have so you are better off, don’t try the Almighty as he might just as well decide to take what he has given and that could be more painful than being childless in the first place.
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