Why single parenthood must be avoided at all cost

Raising a child is a very difficult and challenging task for a complete family, where there is a husband and wife living together. It is all the more difficult for a single mother or a wifeless father. The trend now is the growing number of single mothers either by accident or choice. Most have decided to have kids on their own, keep the child with them without the fathers as their husbands and living under the same roofs in as typical family setting.

Somehow this growing trend is becoming acceptable in the society especially with many marriages crumbling up and death of the bread winner.  There is the other category – women who are not married but wilfully have children for men they do not live with. This a practice that is alien to African culture and tradition, though it is beginning to find its way here.

“I do not have a problem with a woman wanting to be a single parent, but then do have some major issues when it is without the notification of the other person involved. I have been a victim of such a situation before and I did not find it funny as I was later told that the child looked exactly like myself and when I confronted her about the whole thing she said she did not want me involved, that she just needed a child and wanted to be a single mother without a man in her life to boss her around.

‘’In my opinion I feel that is stupidity because one day the child will definitely pop up the big question “where or who is my father?”. I tried to make her see sense in bringing a child up with both parents but she insisted that being a single mother was her desire in life. I would have gone to court but it will only make the life of the child worse as it will only expose him to more disasters that I am trying to avoid.”

There are many instances where men are victimised by women who get pregnant but have nothing to do with the man after wards, until child support becomes the issue. “I applaud women who in the first place decide to give children the gift of life by getting pregnant in the first place but the other gift every child deserves is the gift of a family comprising of a dedicated father and mother, every child wants more than a single parent as each play different and unique roles in the life of the child, so deciding to be a single mother is just like cutting of the better existence of his or her life,” says Mrs. Biodun Bello, an educationist.

These remarks show that single parent by choice either by man or woman is really not acceptable in may Nigerian communities.

With this growing trend one happens what has happened to the African adage ‘it takes a village to raise a child’; a child needs both parents in their growing years and lives, e do  not need single mothers by choice in the society anymore as we already have too much in the society. Studies and observation show that children who have both parents fare better in the society than children of single parents especially single mothers, no parent is perfect in the best of homes but a father and mother do much better than a single parent.

“As a single mother by choice, I have to disagree with some of the argument that you need a man in your life to be able to raise a child. Having a child takes more than money and emotional support, it takes time. Time spent with your child is so much more precious than any financial security the man can provide. Time with your child is a true investment, as it will give your child emotional security and a healthy self-esteem because your child will know that she is a priority. But when you are in a family setting with a man in it, your time is split into so many parts that your child only gets scraps, even if you do not intend to,” says Nkiruka Udeh a single parent. In reality, is that a strong reason to encourage the practice?

For single mothers, motherhood is like two sides of the coin, while you have the joy and bliss of being around your child, you cannot run away from the difficulties and stress associated with it. It is very difficult to play the role of both parents, we have to put it at the back of our mind that the child needs love, care, concern, attention and adoration from both parents. Having a child is far more than just wanting to evade the bossy nature of husbands, it is also more than just about bringing forth a human being simply because you want to have a child. The implications of a fatherless home where it is just the single-women parent are better imagined. There are stories of some women who had been seriously troubled – sometimes even killed – by the children they  gave birth to who for one reason or the other do not know their biological fathers, that’s one. Since man cannot decide the sex of babies before they are born, it is very likely that single parent either as man or woman would end up with kids of any sex; with this also, there is a strong believe among our people that no matter what a woman cannot bring up a boy to be the real man. This understanding has severally given rise to comments, particularly among the Hausas, like ‘’yaya kake nuna hali kamar wanda mace ta raina shi?’’ meaning ‘’why are you behaving like you were brought up by a woman?, that is if a man behaves very unlike a man. It is also vice versa for men too, that there is no way men can perfectly bring up girls to be perfect women. This indeed is not peculiar to the Hausa alone as communities across the country really do not appreciate women who chose to remain as single parents.

“It is not fair how the society view some of us. It was never intentional to be a single mother. Being a single mother does not make us less human than we are. With or without a father in their lives we are equally giving the best we can in life. In a situation where it was not our choice to be divorced,  would it have been wise to keep living with an irresponsible man or carry on with life along with the kids? To me, some times single mothering is a necessity to living with a man that cannot carry out his fatherly role to the kids and even to the wife. So, being a single mother is not for fashion as most people see it,” says Kemi Bamidele Lekan.