Siblings without rivalry

Some parents are being accused of the major people that ignite sibling rivalry. These they do through unfair comparisons like commending one and condemning the other in the presence of the first one. Some mothers do show their preference for one child against the other, which does send a message to the other children that they are of no use to her, thereby putting the loved or preferred child at risk of jealousy from the other children.

As children vie for attention, they try to discover their place in the family; many may feel their siblings receive preferential treatment. The results may end in jealousy, teasing, negative attention and competition. Though current research shows that sibling rivalry is a sign of healthy family, in a dysfunctional home where there is no sibling rivalry, the kids tend to cling together for security and are afraid to speak out their minds.

According to Kyla Boyce (University of Michigan), each child in the family competes to define who they are as individuals and want to show that they are separate from their siblings. Children do think they are getting unequal amounts of their parents’ attention, discipline and responsiveness. A psychologist, Anthony Kane, says if sibling rivalry is universal and common in every home, then it must serve a purpose, as it teaches them conflict resolution.

From the psychoanalytic point of view of the famous Sigmund Freud, he says sibling rivalry is an extension of the Oedipus complex, where brothers strive for their mother’s attention and sisters strive for their father’s. Evolutionary psychologist, Roberts Trivers, says parents can reduce the opportunity for rivalry by refusing to compare or typecast their kids and teach them positive ways to get attention from each other and from parents without fighting. He also says that parents can give each child the desired individual attention, encourage teamwork and most importantly refuse to hold up one child as a role model for others and avoid favouritism.

Mrs Ojolowo, a mother of six kids, says, “Sibling rivalry is a routine part of growing up in families, but should be dealt with adequately”. First, she says, you should let siblings express their feelings and try to comment only on the disagreeable behaviour and avoid telling one child that the other is better, because comparing siblings will not encourage better behaviour, but will only intensify jealousy and envy.

While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings, it is very common for brothers and sisters to fight and it is very common for them to swing back and forth between adoring and detesting one another. Often, sibling rivalry starts from the very moment the second child is born. At times even before (during pregnancy) and it continues as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. Sibling rivalry can involve aggression; however, it is not the same as sibling abuse where one child victimises the other.

With more than one child in the house, there will be life lessons about sharing, confidence, loving, cooperating and even being friends. As the parent, you have the responsibility to provide guidance for your kids so that they learn it is okay to be different and have individual unique options, but that fighting and arguing are not okay.

We know that our children’s natural selfishness gives rise to many frivolous sibling relationships. As parents, overreacting to such competition can do more harm than good, but ignoring it won’t be helpful either. Most parents tend to react with passive non-interference or they simply tell the kids to stop fighting, which is not good, since they merely prevent the children from expressing and learning about their emotions and may actually prolong their rivalry into adulthood.

Some immediate causes of sibling rivalry are attributed to the parents in two ways – unequal amount of parents’ attention, discipline and responsiveness. Kids are quick to detect and observe the way parents treat them in respect to others; and secondly, family dynamics. Kids usually fight and resolve conflicts the way they see their parents do them since parents are role models. If parents shout and slam doors and argue loudly, children tend to react to each other in the same way. Children will fight more in families where there is no understanding.

Making idle threats or negative remarks about your kids such as “You are always different from him or her…..” is damaging for it only worsens the heated situation. Remember that kids will always remain kids, so you will need to pick your battles wisely. Allow them to settle things within themselves before you step in, but if things are getting out of control, you can step in. I am suggesting that parents should eliminate all aspects individuality within the family. Praise and criticism at home should be distributed as evenly as possible, although some kids will inevitably be more successful in the outside world.

Take note not to worry about treating your children equally, because it is not possible. The needs of each child are different. Try to spend time with each child on an individual basis. If you know certain things could bring conflict, explain why the privilege is being allowed to the other and not him or her and try to control the situation.

Being fair is very important if you really want that peaceful coexistence between your kids. Your kids need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs, because even if you do everything possible, they will still feel that they are not getting a fair share of attention from you.