When not to spare the rod and spoil a child

Children are the joy of every parent and bringing them up in the right way is the responsibility of both parents. It is believed by a section of our society that when a child turns out to be good his father should take credit for it but when he turns out to be bad it is the mother that is to blame. This week we have a mother who is complaining about the support her nine-year-old son is getting from his father, who happens to have just lost his job.
“My husband has so much time for our eight-year-old son due to the fact he just lost his job. I don’t want to bring an issue that will cause a fight between us because of this but his presence and over pampering of the child is making our son misbehave and stubborn. He hardly listens to me now and if I try to caution him, his father comes up to defend him. I am afraid this might not turn out well for our son. I need our son to be independent and take up responsibilities like he used to do before now. I need to handle this properly now, so that our son will be as independent as he used to be – wake up in time, feed himself and listen to me whenever I correct him,” says Fatima Musa (not real name).
Issues like favouring a child over another always arise between couples but when it becomes a parent preferring a child over a spouse it calls for caution.
Folake Layode, a 38-year-old lawyer observes that: “This calls for serious caution; It is not about his being temporarily jobless but about their son, who if he ends up badly, will be called “her son.” This issue is just like most issues in marriage and no matter how annoying it is, she needs to be calm and address it suitably. She knows her hubby better than anybody, so she should create a good atmosphere and tell him how she feels without rancour. Men are funny beings; he might not change immediately so that she doesn’t feel she controls him. On the other hand, her hubby might be pampering their son as a coping mechanism to his pain now, so do not compound it by nagging. Discuss it amicably.”
Nneka Ofor, a 35-year-old teacher opines that: “It is good that her hubby has time for their child. They both need to come to an agreement when it comes to disciplining the children. Whenever my hubby is around my son behaves the same way, he won’t listen and when I try to punish him, he’ll run to his dad screaming. The one thing that excites me is that my hubby will tell him to listen to me and when he refuses to sit when I ask him to, my hubby will personally make him sit while I explain to him the reason for whatever punishment he is facing. I think it sends a signal to the boy that he can’t escape punishment because he runs to daddy. So, talk to him about discipline and pray for him to get a job but don’t spoil the fun between the two. Also, she needs to explain to him that it is important for the child to be independent. All in all, I think her hubby is trying to help out in the best way he can but going about it the wrong way.”
Thirty-year-old banker, Ama Udegbe, advises that mothers should take charge of the family, especially the discipline of children: “I am a very firm and strict person and I have a set of rules for my children especially my boy who is the last and only boy.  As mothers we make or mar a home, I will advise her to stick to her schedule. As for her husband, lovingly and with all humility she should talk to him to work with her schedule while she supervises and appreciates him each time he does. Remind him that he will soon get a better job and it would be difficult re-adjusting the young man.”
Maryam Mustapha, a 30-year-old educator, speaking from experience says: “I can feel what she is talking about; my dad was like that too. I wasn’t lucky enough with him but my other siblings are now spoilt brats and out of control as a result of dad over pampering them. I dare not lay my hands on them or caution them. They’re spoilt and rotten and he’s now blaming himself but it’s already late to cry over spilt milk. If my mum asked them to clean up after eating, dad would resist and say “they’re just back from school and need rest,” he preferred me washing the plates, sweeping, tidying up everywhere instead of allowing my younger ones do them. He is seriously blaming himself now because they wouldn’t listen to mum for direction and dad won’t enforce any rules on them. Presently, they wouldn’t listen to anyone in the family as they are lords to themselves. Please, a good child belongs to dad and bad ones belong to mum. Be wise and discipline your child now before it’s too late.”
Marriage counsellor, Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi, says it is the responsibility of every parent to bring up children that will be of good character in and outside the home. “As mothers we should make sure we make our husbands see that they are crossing the line when it comes to disciplining children. Both parents should come to an agreement when it comes to discipline. It’s good that husbands have time for children from time to time but at the same time make them understand that every child needs to be taught discipline and independence the right way from the onset,” Abdullahi stated.
“Remember spare the rod and spoil the child isn’t always the right way to go. In this case it must not be a rod per say but a cautioning every once in a while will go a long way,” she added.