The incomparable worlds of Mike Duffy & Bukola Saraki

If there’s something I don’t want to become soon, it’s a Canadian. I believe it’s hard enough being a citizen of a country whose Prime Minister is in competition with George Clooney.  The Canadian capacity to complain is only rivaled by its royal masters – the British. At minus 40 degrees with a blanketing snowstorm or during raging infernos, Canadian cities advertise efficiency as if managing crises is what makes a country tick. But if you listen to Rick Mercer, in spite of the clockwork efficiency of city services, Canadians complain that their country is run by – idiots, except that they would not swap places with the Naija evil service.
Canada taxes you like there is no tomorrow. I have stopped trying to calculate how many times I am taxed daily, from the air I breathe to the water I drink; the taxman waits at the counter. When I flick a switch the light blinks back. When I turn the tap, clean-clear drinkable water flows and if I ever get in trouble and call 911, there is always a friendly operator on line. They have counted a whopping five murder cases in Ottawa this year alone. OMG, this country truly sucks!
It is not the only thing that sucks about Canada. The citizen’s sense of propriety also sucks. Canada operates the parliamentary system garnished with moderation. They have a House of Commons, which is truly common because its members dare not shut their gates against the electorate. For an unrepentant Naija, this proximity to your representative is seriously frustrating. Our own rebels describe themselves as honorable even when they are throwing chairs like the thugs they truly are. Paedophiles, ex-convicts, drug barons and wanted fugitives are part of the show in Naija. They wouldn’t have smelt it in Canada, but thank God for small mercies that we are not condemnatory we believe in cloaking lawbreakers as lawmakers.
Canada’s Senate is not elected, it is appointed even though it is called the red chamber. The senate does not strictu sensu make laws for the day-to-day running of the country, it is described as a routine revising chamber checking for flaws in approved legislation before final passage. It also serves as clearing how for bilateral and sundry issues in which it is obligated to put Canada first. If you ask me, an unrepentant Naija, they do an awesome job of it, but spoilt Canadians want it abolished calling it lame-duck chamber. After a series of sleaze reports of unwarranted expenditures, Canadians have added another adjective to describe their own senate – they call it corrupt – well, in Naija parlance – without evidence.
In the Canadian senate sits a guy built like an athletic Yokosuna. His name is Mike Duffy. He is a ‘veteran’ television journalist although a ‘bias’ was found in him in 2008. Duffy was found to have made living expenses claims running into $90,000. He claimed to go back and forth from his home in Prince Edward Island when in actual fact he lives in the Canadian capital, Ottawa. This is nothing compared to collecting allowances for non-existent constituency office, yet none of Duffy’s constituents came to his rescue when it is obvious he was being persecuted. This should make Bukola Saraki increase his raka’a prayers for being a Naija. Duffy did not deny the charges, he blamed financial rules that had loopholes, offered to pay back, and got a little help from former Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s Chief of Staff to clear these ‘debts’. But it did not stop those baying for his blood, not to transfuse. Those who need it would not let him be.
Eager to distance themselves from a malefactor, his Conservative Party caucus suspended him. His enemies continued to hound him until the Senate suspended him for two years without pay and handed him over to the RCMP. This would be an off-key dirge for Saraki and his choristers. In November 2013, the senate voted to suspend Duffy as he went on trial slammed with 31 offenses including criminal breach of trust. The wicked Canadian senators kept away from the courthouse and read about the trials with their doors closed. Last month, after an ordeal that showed how Canadians could make mountains of cricket mounds, Duffy was cleared by the courts and has now returned to the Senate.
You would think Duffy’s accusers would leave him alone and apologise for calling him a thief and a fraud? Sorry, their next talking point is whether he should claim the salaries and allowances due him since his suspension and whether or not to abolish the senate. In all these, please note that money has been paid back. I don’t need to follow Adeola Aroyehun of Sahara Reporters rehashing the very weighty allegations against Bukola Saraki. I know fully well that what affects Kwara’s best export ultimately worries Kogi’s Dino Melaiye? This is why I hope I never stay long enough to become Canadian, because if I do, it’ll be difficult navigating two incomparable worlds. I am already sick and tired of hearing Canadian ‘corruption’ stories – everywhere I go.