In defense of Sinnate jeeps

Finally, the wicked have exposed our open secret. Our sinnators have taken delivery of the vehicles most suitable for Naija roads – Toyota SUV’s aka jeeps. Conscientiously, these bloated toads throwing up on our common wealth denied that they were buying 109 vehicles. They swear by the same constitution they denigrate in flagrante delicto that they have bought only thirty-six, judging the 36 state structure of the federal republic. As usual, the FCT, which ab initio has been declared – no man’s land is edited out. This is where I disagree with the sinnators. A jeep pooling formula in which the ranking sinnator in each state is the first to take the car for a spin either to the non-existent constituency office or a girlfriend’s party might spark the kind of fight that saw Champagne Dino go to the green chamber in dainty robes and vacate in rags.
So, dear sinnators, please kindly reconsider your acts of patriotism and buy one for each fellow because we don’t want your chambers to see red. Ignore the wicked machinations of the enemies of your progress who have shouted, wailed and would settle down. As you cruise around town, they would hail as sure as tomorrow is Monday.
In fact, I do not know what the furore is all about. As they say in Lagos – kini big deal? As a special adviser plenipotentiary and pro-bono, I have a few suggestions make you enjoy the ride especially after hearing that when the police announced 10,000 recruitment vacancies, 700,000 ghosts applied. A conscientious nation producing such incongruous statistics might be provoked into a Naija Spring. I reckon that Dr. Farooq Kperogi is likely to call jeeps a grammatical faux pas because Jeep itself is a unique car brand and the trucks under discussion are called SUVs. But Kperogi could write all the grammar he likes from his USA hideout. In Naija, wannabes drive SUV while big men drive jeeps.
But then I digress. A N36 million jeep in 2016 is a testament to how considerate our sinnators are. A couple of years ago, hard working blogger, Linda Ikeji bought a Range Rover – jeep – for N24 million. Apart from those who have no access to Google, there are people around the globe who asks – who is Linda Ikeji or what do bloggers do? They are in the minority. Global citizens are unlikely to forget a chance encounter with a Naija sinnator, with airs smelling around them like the musk of a skunk.
A few weeks ago, a friend invited me to the launching of her company. I caters to the exotic needs of the super rich. One unique item on her collection is a diamond-encrusted gold-encased wristwatch marked at $57k excluding taxes. She assures me that a few Naija sinnators have patronized her company and had theirs custom-made and courier-delivered to them on a warranty. This is why I pity Ikeji, who fights those who call her N4 million Hermes Birkin bag a phony. They may be sued for blasphemy.
I am hoping that in the life of this sinnate, some sinnator with foresight would introduce a bill preventing wannabe socialites from competing with them on the ladder of social relevance. For now, a free counsel to Linda – not even Solomon Arase would be able to help you if you rub shoulders with a sinnator’s jeep at the Banana Island tollgate. Ask Chris Anyanwu who attempted to prove that her naval rating ADCs were bigger on the social ladder than Rochas Okorochas’ kill-and-go motorcade. Imagine a world where sinnators become the standard bearers of everything exotic – from cars to wristwatches, airplanes to cosmetic surgery. That, my dear friends would be the ideal world – the real deal.
Here is what I propose, we should go ahead to fortify the jeeps, to conform with Rotimi Chibuike Amaechi and uncommon transformer Godswill Akpabio’s imported articulated vehicles as governors. According to a post in Nairaland, even in 2013 Naija was already leading failed states like Iraq, Afghanistan and Latin America in ordering bulletproof – vehicles. It didn’t cost much then – just between N60-80 million for each of those tear-rubber things. Those were the days before the kidnapping of Okonjo-Iweala’s mother and the justifiably Dasukied Olu Falae.
In order to avoid social media backlash, and to show how much we value our hard working and loyal sinnators who diligently pass budgets every year, these jeeps should be returned to companies with the capacity to properly secure them. With the much spoken of and hugely denied Yuanification of the Naira and the bouncing prices of crude oil, we could smuggle this into the NASS budget in fine print to prevent Sai Baba’s binoculars from seeing it. This way, when Bukola Saraki goes on his sham trial before the visibly hostile judge who has barred them from the courtroom, they could block traffic to the venue with legislative grandeur, let the unemployed roast until next elections. By then we’ll have a new bag of promises.