Until last week, most people thought that Panama marooned with Manuel Noriega. Alas, some countries have an uncanny way of reinventing themselves. So, with a lull in the fight against ISIS; no verbal diarrhoea from Trumptown, it is not surprising that Panama Papers are in the news. It is here to remind us how absolute power could make one thing a scandal in one society and fun in another. Before Panama Papers, there was Julian Assange and WikiLeaks. For exposing what powerful nations would prefer buried, Assange’s carnal integrity is on the line. If Edward Snowden had been Chinese, he would have found a safe haven somewhere in America. At home, Snowden is not a whistleblower but a traitor and fugitive from the law. If you call that double-standard, it’s because you’re not from America where one man’s whistleblower is another man’s snitch.
So, in one week, the Panama Papers has recorded its first casualties and sent cold shivers down the spines of politricians in climes where integrity is a required cloak for public service. Some global leaders are sweating and shivering in their suits for fear that their names or family names might be mentioned as the leak expands. Iceland recorded the first casualty, although do not ask the man on the street to show you where it’s located on the map, except you are a Batabox roving reporter. Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson (some names – men!) stepped down as PM after he was linked with the sleaze. This is one time when real politicians envy their Naija wannabes.
Imagine, even David Cameron has issued two statements. He first denied any persona link with his family’s wealth and later swore that neither he nor his children would benefit from the family nest egg. Cameron knows that necrophilia may be forgiven as a childish prank, but a link to cash stashed in tax havens outside the UK would bring down any English ruler – even King George.
In Naija, the Panama Papers are unlikely to stop Sai Baba from going to China. In fact, what would be bizarre is anybody publicly acknowledging that their family names are not mentioned there. Because that means that your family, like mine has never earned or stolen enough to put something away in foreign land. Imagine a man without foreign assets rising to shut up Saint Ibori at a village meeting. A country for which the Halliburton Scandal was created; in which Dasukigate and anticipatory approvals are witch-hunts would be mourning if its big men and women miss this one.
Sleaze is the grease with which the engine of governance is oiled here. It is one area where we’re predicted to do better than we do at football. If only we could demand half as much proof of effectiveness, transparency and accountability of our politricians as we do our football coaches, UAE, European and American citizens would be queueing up at our embassies without Sai Baba grovelling at the feet of their leaders with his investor-magnetizing turare. The moment the national chickens dropped out of any tournament, we heckle and hound hardworking local coaches until they are forced to resign or are sacked. If we had subjected Ibe Kachikwu and his senior minister to such accountability, nobody would be sleeping at the petrol station. But do not ask a hailing hailer – in their paradise, things have to reach rock bottom before they start to pick up.
If we had demanded proof of performance of Raji Fashola as we did of Stephen Keshi, there would be no pothole anywhere on federal roads and not a dime more to get more power to run our nation. On the football front, we have found the reason why we have not won the World Cup and it’s in the colour and nationality of our coaches. We know that we would never win until we employ a white coach and since no winning foreign coach would drop his team for a nation where people sleep for days at gas stations, we are bound to buy a fourth rate coach or a spent horse for our dollars and end up the same way.
When it comes to accountability, we may have poorly plagiarised the American constitution, we sure run like the Russians. Although he is yet to feature in the Panama Papers, Vladimir Putin has dismissed it as rubbish. Naija has more scandals in the unveiling telemundo series to really bother about Panama Papers. Such rare mentions may even be needed to become an Oga at the top. Check the Naija names thus far mentioned and you discover that the more scandals, the more rogues are worshipped as persecuted saints. At the end of the day, the only trouble for those who may feature in the Panama Papers would be how to survive the deluge of unemployed graduates applying to use their notoriety to certain fame and fortune. Featuring is the best way to publicise your wealth and to earn the needed respect. It is the best way to finance a political campaign without having to beg a bank manager as Sai Baba did before his tides turned.
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