This Zuma must not fall

See how they are forcing their dirty hands into my zipped mouth! Should I take it kindly when countries that gained flag independence yesterday contend the corruption title with the inimitable Naija? Every other day, countries the sizes of Alimosho are in searimi (notice me) contest for titles exclusively reserved for the giant of Africa. Naija cannot cough for attention without some nymph nations declaring they have been treating tuberculosis. This is insulting.
I am seething with rage as I write. South Africans have taken the aping of western democratic values beyond limits. Yes, years of apartheid rule have given them a leverage over us in some areas; it does not qualify them to wrestle corruption titles with us or our nobel ruiners..
They say Zuma must fall! What is Zuma’s fault? The Zulu traditional chief has not allowed his western education to distance him from his African values. Like the rest of us, Zuma has a slave name, Jacob that some have translated to mean ‘supplanter’ and others ‘may God protect’. Like the libidinous Biblical character with who he shares that name, this traditional chief loves women and has a harem filled with them. But he is agile and youthful because of it.
To fit his dual status, Zuma’s rural home in Nkandla, KwaZulu Natal Province has to be renovated to add a colourful plumage to a rainbow headwear befitting a democratic president. As president, it would have been insulting if, like Sai Baba, he goes on recess at Camp David or a London hotel far from his ancestors. The same people now calling for his head would have accused him of denigrating our cultural values. Now a judge has indicted him and ordered a refund while the lynch mob is calling for his head on the streets of Jo’burg and Pretoria, making political Kilimanjaro out of this molehill.
People, it is not corruption when money meant to feed the poor is invested in a private estate in Africa – it is home decoration. Nothing wrong when a king asks his subjects to skip a few meals or jobs for the expansion of his kraal, it is as it should be. Who knows; the Queen of Sheba or Mama Charlie may decide to visit. You do not ask the head of the Commonwealth to bathe in a pond when there’s cash for an Olympic-sized swimming pool. If Barack Obama, Dauda Kamoru or even Angela Erekelaiyewa; all of who like to tee off as dawn ritual visits, they should feel at home within the gaze of Zuma’s ancestral milieu. Now that costs a few thousand dollars.
Well, like Sai Baba’s half a million dollar Daura helipad that hardly qualifies as an act of corruption because it is not. So Zuma had a few extras – an amphitheatre, cattle enclosure and a chicken run. All these amounted to a paltry $23 million for a nation that is worth its value in gold, not in mercurial crude. A judge without knowledge of the value of power ruled Zuma in breach of his oath of office. Excuse me?! We are talking of a glamorous old school chief who is also elected president of a modern nation. When King Goodwill Nzwelithini got a palace extension for 30 million rand, only a few mkombothi murmurs were heard. What is the difference between the monkey’s bald behind and the baboon’s baldhead?
Just because we have drunken the wine of western democracy, some people want us to flush down our pride in their washing machines too. Imagine the other day, newspapers carried the stories of juicy jobs reserved for Sai Baba’s friends as if they expect the children of the affluent to subject their dainty skins to the merciless sun and pitiless rain to fill vacant positions in CBN, NNPC and others – Allah ya sawake! Throw the dogs a few thousand-recruit positions in the police and they keep quiet like enamel-pot soup.
From time Imo River, smart governors and political appointees have renovated and operated from their own homes with extensions to suit their transformation without a whimper. Although most of these buildings become eyesores after the razzmatazz of office has waned, at least history recorded them once as the political melting pot when it mattered most. Offsprings hold tenaciously to exclusive bragging rights of the infamy without scruples. 
I have seen posters saying – Zuma Must Fall! I am quick to counter with my one-man protest declaring Zuma Must Not Fall. Let there be no Black Spring anywhere in the rest of Africa. If the mob forces Zuma out, what would they do to Saraki’s pension, anticipatory riches or Ali Modu Sheriff’s gratuity from Haramistan? What would they not do for the craters separating them from Champagne Dino Melaye’s multimillion antique cars? What would they do to Ibn Na’Allah’s avionette?
This lynch mob might torpedo Africa’s fragile romance with democracy by demanding the regicide of Robert Mugabe, Yoweri Museveni, Babili Mansa Yahya Jammeh, Teodoro Nguema, Paul Biya, Eduardo dos Santos. God forbid that this should happen. Who could ruin their nations without scruples the way African rulers have done for decades to the consternation of the muzungu? I insist that Zuma must stay!