Wanted – A minister of remembrance

Since Rochas Okorocha opened our eyes to the possibilities of egregious idiocy, saner nations have discharged and acquitted him. Absurdity is not an exclusive product manufactured in Owerri for Imolites, it transcends shores and civilizations except that in yonder climes, statistical evidence backs up the preposterous. 

Hitting stumbling blocks everywhere she turns in her bid to deliver on her Brexit promise, British Prime Minister, Theresa May has outdone Okorocha. Last week, she appointed Tracey Crouch as the UK Minister for Loneliness. London works on figures and recently it discovered that 9 million of its citizens were on the verge of depression. Gladly nobody expects Crouch to be escort for an evening date perhaps thanks to Harvey Weinstein. 

Sorry Rochas, idiocy still has no honour at home. So in line with global best practices and peer review mechanism, I hereby suggest a very appropriate addition to the exceptional – a Minister of Remembrance for the Buhari government. This suggestion follows after the president’s recent assertion that Naija people know that he is doing his best to address the problems of the nation. After reading the news in several versions, I have come to the conclusion that the story is not, in Trumpspeak, fake news. 

If the status quo is the president’s best efforts, we are grateful to have been spared a worse nightmare. Presidential attack dogs insist that Buhari did not promise anything outside fighting corruption, a few promises were made on his behalf. In April 2015, Tam David West, a trusted ally of candidate GMB told the world that a Buhari regime would return a litre of petrol to N40. Since December, less than 20% of citizens have bought petrol at the official price of N145 per litre. Black marketers have been known to sell at N500.

The General promised to build one refinery per year of his four years, so that we could increase the number to eight by the end of his tenure. There are more than a dozen refineries in the creeks but soldiers are burning them down. As for building new ones, it is no longer the language of government.  A minister for remembrance would help the president refocus his attention on building refineries rather than importing its own products.

The President was rumored to have promised a parity of the Naira to the dollar when the clueless government now replaced by ineptitude devalued our national currency to N187 to the dollar. After billions injected by the CBN to the forex market, the Naira is barely stable at N360 to the dollar having at one time climbed to N450. A minister of remembrance would help the president wave his magic wand; after all, Libya a failed state has its dinar at 1.34 to the dollar. Ghana has maintained its cedi at 4.34 with nations such as Tunisia, Zambia, Sudan, Morocco and Botswana operating at less than 10 digits to the dollar. A minister of remembrance would remind the president to seek counsel from his Moroccan friend on how to manage foreign exchange regime without a Cockney accent.

Candidate GMB promised to deal with unemployment. He has delivered for his cronies and kinsmen – appointing them to available positions and looking the other way while their children are strategically planted in lucrative agencies such as NNPC and the CBN. A minister of remembrance would jog his memory on the evil of cronyism in governance and help agencies perform according to their mandate instead of waiting for him to wake up. That remembrance would help reduce graduate unemployment that currently stands between thirty and 50 percent.

An area that Sai Baba’s lip was at sync with his voice is the fight against corruption. A block removed from that pillar of his campaign promise the day he began to play hide and seek with his asset declaration. It was there the garment of his taunted integrity started drowning. Then he compounded it with his soft approach to the endemically corrupt among his appointees. An army chief with houses in Dubai was excused because his wives were in business while he moonlights as a snake farmer. A grasscutter was let loose in the plantation of corruption until public uproar forced the president to remove him. A minister of remembrance would have saved the president such embarrassment and dubbed the police chief who romances his recruits as a stain on his moral compass. That minister would have reminded the president that going to London for 100 days while banning health tourism is moral corruption.

For three fiscal years, the national budget has become a charade. Recurring tales of cutlery costing more than it takes the Queen to host the entire Commonwealth of Nations; incredulous subheads with gargantuan allocations and Internet services for drivers have turned the budgetary process over its head. 

For a trained military strategist who promised to eradicate Boko Haram in three months the technical defeat, has left over 100 Chibok girls in captivity. People in IDP camps are now canon fodder for suicide bombers. We have genocide and brigandage all over the country, ritual murders and kidnappings. Given the huge human and material potential of our nation, this president needs a remembrance minister to tell him that this his best is far from convincing.