Over the last two weeks, we defined what relationship management is, its importance, the features of healthy relationships, and how to nurture existing relationships and build new ones. Today, we will take up difficult relationships, what causes and how to handle them.
Handling difficult relationships: Building and maintaining healthy relationships requires clear thoughts, wise actions and physical and emotional stamina. But we are not perfect in any sense of the word. In addition, our lives are filled with challenges and opportunities, and we often falter in handling them. These twin factors can impact negatively our relationships with others. If we don’t handle and manage them to recovery and growth, they die out altogether or get toxic. Thankfully, we can also do the right things to try to smoothen out issues. What our options in these situations are will depend on who/what the other party is, our relationship with them, and what the issues might be.
Different relationships can hit different types of difficulties because of different triggers. For instance, filial relationships are inclined to go into different types of difficulties from working or business relationships. To understand what we can do to ease relationship difficulties and improve them, we need to under the causes of the difficulties as well as the wise principles and practices for resolving the difficulties.
The Principles and Process: The principles and process of resolving difficult relationships include the following:
Be sincere about your desire to work at identifying the root cause of the strain and what best you could do about them
Take up the need to discuss the matter with the other party
Set a convenient time and place for the discussions
As much as possible, avoid third-party participation unless they are mutually trusted, respected and can help resolve issues
Be ready to communicate fully and respectfully. Ask the other party to be ready for the same
Avoid a winner-takes-all mindset, approach and outcome
Don’t play the blame game in the discussions
All parties should be well-meaning
If the situation permits, put in some humour sparsely and appropriately
You may not necessarily both have the same expectations but you should understand each other’s and respect the same
You may not necessarily agree on all issues. But there are certain matters for which congruence is a must and some others for which it is not essential. Know the difference
With the foregoing understood, you can try to resolve any issues by understanding what may have caused the difficulties, as follows:
Poor communication: Lack of, incomplete or unclear communication, lack of requisite transparency, and/or contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling can initiate or deepen relationship difficulties whether they are informal or formal relationships.
Being honest and transparent in communication is key to building and sustaining relationships. In all types of relationships, we should be clear in our communications, removing ambiguities and confusion as may be rightfully expected. Where appropriate, we should document agreements in ways that parties are clear about and acceptable to. I tell people that we must not only be clear in our communications, but we must know how, what, when and even where to communicate. If we are guilty of failing to communicate or of miscommunicating, we should accept our errors, and avoid their reoccurrence.
Finances: A bad but innocent financial situation can strain a relationship unless the parties involved take appropriate countermeasures. But frauds, cheating and financial betrayals in business relationships can completely determine the relationship.
The first thing is to always be real about finances. Any attempt to create wrong impressions can have a way of hitting back at what could otherwise be a healthy relationship. It is important not to create wrong impressions about the state of finances for which the other party has a right to. Generally speaking, what people detest more is not the financial difficulty itself but hiding it in ways that can create new or compound existing difficulties. Without losing any required confidentiality depending on the type of relationship, it is important that we let others know what they should on a need-to-know basis. Equally importantly, we should always only commit to what we can do on matters of finances, and if we commit, we must deliver. If we made errors around any of these, it shouldn’t be an issue to apologise, make up and avoid a reoccurrence.
Unrealistic and/or unclear expectations: Sometimes people go into a relationship with unrealistic or unclear expectations. Depending on the type of relationship this may spell difficulties or even doom. With informal, personal relationships, we often don’t discuss any expectations. But in reality, there are expecatations that are assumed or taken for granted whether they are said or not. In business, expectations might be more clearly spelt out and, perhaps, even documented. But even at that, there are the fiduciary issues as well as issues of the letter and spirit of the law that should be all be considered.
Regardless of the type of relationship, formal or informal; expectations formalized or not; documents executed or not, it helps us to be clear in what the expectations of all parties are and in sincerely working to meet them. Any failures can cause heartache and avoidable costs to all parties. If we fail in meeting any expectations, we should come clean and propose what we can do to help the situation. If it is the other party that fails, we should engage with them and help them to help situation. As with most issues, I think communication, sincerity and well-meaning and always help.
Next week we shall continue with more factors that stress relationships and what we can do about them.
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