Should children be compared to their peers?

Parents want their children to be the best in everything: walking, talking and learning at the same pace like other children their age. Sometimes they go as far as expecting them to do better than their peers and in doing so, the kids are pushed beyond their limits.

“Have you seen Mr X’s daughter? She’s so calm, very focused. Why can’t you be like her?” Or perhaps you’d hear a neighbour telling his son “You are just a blockhead. You and Mr Y’s son are in the same class, with the same teachers and we pay the same amount of school fees, yet he always comes first in class. How many heads does he have?” And these questions go on and on.

The different scenarios above represent an occurrence in five out of 10 Nigerian homes. It is not unusual to hear parents/guardians say this to their children/wards. However, what they fail to realize is the lasting effects such words have on these kids.

Every child is different. As such, it is natural to want to know where our children stand amidst others. To help them do so, most parents feel that by comparing them to their peers or siblings, they would be moved to do better. But should that be the case? Should children be compared to their peers/siblings?

Lifextra spoke to some people and got very interesting responses.

Aleeyhu Ismaeel, a student, said No. His reason? “It always reduces that child’s self-worth. The child will feel ‘I’m not good enough’. Rather parents should encourage their wards to do better without comparing them to their siblings or peers.”

Ropo Olawunmi from Ekiti State told LifeXtra “Children should not be compared with their peers. The divine blueprint for every individual is different. For example, a child that is not performing so well in class may be the richest in the future even more than the brilliant ones in the same class.”

Salim Yunusa, a Youth Corps member, who also belongs to that school of thought, reiterated that comparison kills the zeal of a child and diminishes his capability. “It makes the child feel like he’s not good enough, which would make him lose his self-respect. If indeed parents have to, they should make the other kid an example, not a basis for comparison.”

Also speaking to LifeXtra, Funmise Adefila Lekan Tosin, a Lagos-based banker, stated that if children are compared to their peers, it affects them psychologically.

He said, “Imagine someone asked you out, buys virtually everything for you in the name of impressing you which may make you like him then you tell him one day that he has done nothing for you. How will he/she feel? It will change a lot of things about them if they are the type that words affect.”

Chuks Enyi, a father of a toddler, noted that some parents think comparing their children with others is a form of motivation for them to do better, but they do not know that they are destroying their self-esteem. Such comparison makes the children develop inferiority complexity, which may later lead to depression.

“Children should be well taught, encouraged and motivated but allowed to grow at their pace. Life is not a competition. Everyone has their peculiar ability and capacity, don’t push them beyond their limits. Sometimes, comparing them leads to unholy competition to the extent that it creates hatred within them for their peers.”