Cash cows

I recently watched a video of a young woman living abroad, who was crying and lamenting that her brother in Nigeria, to whom she had been sending money for a building project, had defrauded her. To make matters worse, her parents and other siblings have asked her not to return to Nigeria until she has built or bought a house, despite the fact that she is the one paying the rent (or part of it) for the apartment they are living in.

This is a heartbreaking story, versions of which I have unfortunately heard before. It seems that there are people who view their family members living abroad as cash cows who are only useful as long as they can bring in money.

In 2012, a friend of mine made a documentary about a group of Nigerian sex workers who were deported from Italy. All of the women were working to support their families in Nigeria. To varying degrees, their families expressed disappointment when the women returned with nothing but the clothes on their backs.

One woman recounted how her father kept asking her whether she couldn’t find her way back to Europe. She said her father complained about how hard things were without the money she was bringing in. Another had been sending money home to her brother to save for her, but when she asked about the money, her brother gave her some excuse about bills he had to pay. The bottom line was that the money was gone, and there was nothing she could do about it.

I also know of at least two Nigerian men living abroad whose siblings squandered the money they sent back for building projects, and their parents intervened to ask them to forgive their siblings.

It’s difficult to understand why some people would rip off their family members who are living abroad. Do they think that their siblings just walk out the door in whatever foreign country they are in and collect money in baskets? Do they think money grows on trees abroad? And why would parents and siblings prioritise material wealth over their own flesh and blood?

In the case of the deported sex worker, her father didn’t care that she had to endure a perilous journey to Italy, travelling by road from Nigeria to Niger where she had to sleep with men for basic necessities like water, toothpaste, and soap. He knew that in Italy, she worked the streets, standing by the roadside, and getting into cars with strangers who could be dangerous. And yet, when the family’s money supply dried up, he encouraged her to return to Italy and continue working. At the end of the documentary, it was revealed that she “disappeared”, presumably to try to find her way back into Europe. She had had enough of her father’s complaints.

The young woman in the video I watched wonders at some point if her family is really hers, and who could blame her? What sort of siblings and parents behave as if you’re nothing? Why would they tell her not to come home unless she had a house to show for it? My heart goes out to her, but if I had any advice for her, it would be this: put yourself first and disregard your family’s wishes. Go back to Nigeria and visit if you want to. If they won’t let you into the apartment you’re contributing to rent, stay with friends or in a hotel. You could even stop contributing to the rent. Stop sending money to anyone to build anything for you. Save your money, and when you’re ready, buy the property you want. Perhaps seeing you thrive will change your family’s attitude towards you. Maybe realising that you’re unwilling to be used will help them to “borrow sense.”

However, I can’t imagine a life where my siblings (and parents) and I are disconnected, so I hope that someday, your family will recognise the hurt they’ve caused you, and the relationship can be healed.

In conclusion, I wish all of us peace in our families. May the pursuit of money not drive a wedge between us and those who should be closest to us. Tufiakwa ad nauseam!