“Forgiveness is a beautiful idea, until you have something to forgive.” – C.S. Lewis
Conflict is a normal part of human affairs. At some point in our lives, we find ourselves bearing hurt and grudges against others. For most of us, these disputes emerge out of the relatively ordinary events of everyday life: spats with a partner over division of labour or financial issues; disagreeable, disobedient children who, at times, get on our last nerve; a misunderstanding between friends causing hurt feelings; or aggravation with a boss or workmate that leads to contention in the workplace. In other words, it is almost inevitable for frictions to occur in our daily dealings with others – at work, at home, and in social relationships. These frictions may even happen frequently. How do we react when they happen?
After all the heinous crimes and atrocities of the twentieth century, the issue of how to deal with hurt, pain and conflict has moved beyond the sphere of religion and spirituality to the area of politics and psychology. Wars, conflicts, genocide and mass murder in different parts of the world have left in their wake huge debris of animosity and vengeance, which have sometimes given rise to further conflicts with unimaginable catastrophic consequences. At the personal and communal levels, many people still hold on to offenses and hurt caused to them by family members, friends, colleagues and neighbours.
Human beings often find it difficult to forgive. The impulse to go the way of vengeance still lurks in the hearts of many, stalling their capacity to rise above the blindness of revenge and embrace the ideals of peace, mercy and forgiveness. The philosophy of forgiveness is embedded in Judeo-Christian beliefs. Illustrations of the value of forgiveness are also found within the sacred texts of most of the world’s religions. Jesus Christ spoke one of the most notable expressions of forgiveness during his crucifixion, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:35). From the Bhagavad Gita, “If you want to see the brave, look for those who can forgive.” And from The Buddha, “Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed. This is the ancient and eternal law.”
Research on forgiveness is now a hot field of study in contemporary clinical psychology and it is also gaining attention as an academic discipline studied by psychologists, physicians, philosophers and theologians. There are thousands of published studies, which show that research on forgiveness is encouraging a fundamental shift away from treatment of disease to focusing on the positive aspects of human nature as a basis for healing. Clinical psychology has discovered that forgiveness has therapeutic and healing effects in the person who learns to forgive hurts and offenses.
In his book, No Future Without Forgiveness (1999), South African Anglican Archbishop and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Desmond Tutu clarifies the place of forgiveness in rebuilding broken human relationships across political and social frontiers. He argues that true reconciliation cannot be achieved by denying the past. After devastating social catastrophes, many people commonly say that people should “Forgive and forget” or “Let bygones be bygones.” This is easier said than done. Our common human experience, Tutu argues, shows that “the past far from disappearing or lying down and being quiet, has an embarrassing and persistent way of returning and haunting us unless it has in fact been dealt with adequately. Unless we look the beast in the eye we find it has an uncanny habit of returning to hold us hostage.”
Psychologist Robert Enright and the Human Development Study Group, pioneers of the scientific study of forgiveness, define forgiveness as, “a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behaviour toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her.” Forgiveness is an intentional action, and it involves more than a refusal to retaliate or even more the avoidance of or a neutral stance toward the perpetrator. The one who has been offended knows that he has a right to feel offended yet he gives up that right in order to forgive. Seen in this light, forgiveness is more than a one-time action; it is a transformation process, a journey that may take time.
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.
One promising new area of psychological therapy is forgiveness. New research shows that ongoing resentment has been discovered to lead to depression, anxiety and other negative psychological outcomes, while forgiveness is said to have a general effect on emotional regulation, reducing anxiety and depression while also increasing self-esteem and healthy decision-making.
As human beings, we are prone to hurt. Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of others. When not properly addressed, these wounds can leave a lasting feeling of anger, bitterness, resentment and vengeance in the one who has been hurt. Without the readiness to forgive, the one who is hurt suffers the most. The Buddha once said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who get burned.” By embracing forgiveness, the hurt person also embraces peace, hope, gratitude and joy. These are experiences that can lead down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing.
Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who has hurt you does not admit wrong or does not speak of his or her sorrows. In this situation, psychologists recommend five ways to handle the challenge. First, consider the situation from the other person’s point of view. Second, ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. Third, reflect on times you have hurt others and those who have forgiven you. Fourth, write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation – or talk with a person you have found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. Lastly, forgiveness is a process and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
We are aware that often when we decide to forgive we still struggle with painful memories and feelings. From this experience we learn that forgiveness is not only a simple act of will, but also a process that takes time involving our memories and also our feelings. One of the factors that can make forgiveness difficult is our misunderstanding about the nature of forgiveness. Forgiving does not mean excusing the wrong or saying it does not matter. Things that don’t matter don’t need to be forgiven. Forgiveness says, “I know what you did. It hurt me. But I won’t hold it against you.”
It is important to note that getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words is not the point of forgiveness. We ought to think more of forgiveness as something that changes our life, and not the life of the other. The one who forgives experiences peace of mind, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. It takes away the power the offender continues to wield in your life. To say that forgiveness is impossible in extreme causes of hurt or harm is to sorely underestimate the human potential to overcome evil with good. We all have the capacity to demonstrate a remarkable generosity of spirit and magnanimity in our willingness to forgive those who have tormented us. Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela sums this well: “Ordinary people under certain circumstances are capable of far greater evil than we could have imagined. But so are we capable of far greater virtue than we might have thought.”
Ojeifo is a Catholic priest of the Archdiocese of Abuja.
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