When a person is married to or dating his or her friend’s ex, it is not uncommon to hear people talk about it with disdain despite the fact that everyone has the right to date or marry whoever they want to. As such, there seems to be an unwritten code that exes of friends are a no-go-area.
The logical line of reasoning should be: what does it matter since they are no longer together? Yet, it matters to most people, however illogical.
So why does it matter to people? Could it be that they feel ownership of an ex, especially if it was a serious relationship? Lifextra spoke to a cross section of people on their views about dating or marrying their best friends’ exes.
A civil servant, Bashir Musa Liman, told Lifextra that it would be tantamount to betrayal of trust if his friend marries his ex.
He said “I won’t marry or date my best friend’s ex because I wouldn’t want to betray the trust and relationship between us. I take my best friend as a brother and I know by dating or marrying his ex, I would hurt him.
“And if he dates or marries my ex, I wouldn’t be happy with him. So, I won’t do something that I am sure if somebody does to me it would hurt me.”
A student, Farida Adamu, opined that dating a friend’s ex comes along with drama and “I’m not ready for all the drama that may follow. I love with my brain not my heart, “she responded.
By drama Farida means “My best friend feeling betrayed, and my relationship with her becoming strained even though in reality I haven’t done anything wrong.”
Aare Vincent Olusola Arogbodo, who’s in his thirties and married with children, said he can marry his best friend’s ex even though the society may frown at it. He however had some conditions.
“I can do it if there was no sexual intimacy between them. My belief about sex is that it is spiritual and emotional. Once such intimacy is shared, there is a bond and separating such bond can be difficult,” he said.
A journalist, Ardo Jagordo Fulbe, agrees with the unwritten rule that best friend’s exes are off-limit. He said “The relationship can lead to dishonesty in the future.” How? Ardo said “Her ex who is my best friend can plot a revenge against her for betraying him.”
A writer in his twenties, TJ Benson, says friends’ exes shouldn’t be off limit and so he wouldn’t feel slighted if any of his friends date his ex. “If I realize my friend would be compatible with my ex, then yes because I love my friend and want the best for him,” he said.
If you choose to date your best friends ex, Lindsay King-Miller who writes for a lifestyle and relationship magazine ‘cosmopolitan’, said there should be no comparisons. She advised “Don’t ask your man if you’re prettier/smarter/better at Scrabble than his last girlfriend.”
According to her “No matter what his answer is, it’s going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody – even if you come out ahead – is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is not healthy.”
She added that “if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you’re not interested in hearing it. You and your friend are not in competition, except when you’re actually playing Scrabble.”
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