On intimate partner abuse

According to a United Nations report, of all humans on earth, women and girls face the highest risk of being murdered by their intimate partners or other family members. Fifty-six per cent of female homicide victims in 2021 were murdered by their intimate partner or a family member. Intimate partner violence (IPV) in sub-Saharan Africa exceeds the global average with almost 46 per cent of women in Africa being victims of lifetime partner violence. According to data prepared by Daily Trust earlier this year, 35 women were killed by their husbands between January 2021 and March 2022 in Nigeria. Chances are – as they always are in cases like this- that the numbers are higher. And yet, the numbers as they are, are shocking.

And yet it doesn’t appear that we are shocked enough. Young Naija women are warned on social media to distrust anyone who tells them that marriage isn’t to be endured; that marriage isn’t the be-all and end-all of life; that a husband cannot treat you like a foot mat and still claim to love you. We were witnesses to the doctor whose journalist husband beat the living daylight out of and some state governor (and his wife) held a press conference to publicly reconcile them because: marriage. I am sure that we know (of) people in abusive relationships who have been encouraged to stay for many different reasons. Intimate partner abuse (aka IPA) is an epidemic. No be today.

For as long as I can remember (way before I got married even), I always said that if my husband lay a finger on me, I’d leave. Back then, some said I was naïve, I’d learn once I was grown. I still do not understand why anyone would “grow to understand” violence, especially intimate partner violence. Tufiakwa! And yet, we have so normalised it that many of us accept it as part and parcel of being in a relationship. A university schoolmate asked back in the day how her then boyfriend or future husband was supposed to discipline her if he didn’t beat her. Can you imagine? Let me say this clearly: it isn’t a boyfriend’s/husband’s duty to discipline another adult, one who is in a relationship with him. I have even heard someone say that violence was a way of showing love because the making up afterward was always super. Biko, no. No. It is not. Not even as a joke.

In fact, someone in a relationship with you shouldn’t be abusing you in any way. They shouldn’t beat you, but they also shouldn’t be controlling you. That partner that keeps a tab on your every move, calls you to make sure you are where you said you’d be, asks to speak to the friends you’ve said you’re visiting to make sure you’re not lying isn’t showing you love.

That partner that is obsessively jealous, insists on having your passwords, who listens in on your phone calls without being invited to, who goes through your text messages, who scrolls through your telephone to sniff out whatever isn’t showing you love.

That partner that doesn’t want you to have friends, who isolate you, keeps you away from your family and old friends, determines who you can and can’t see (or talk to) isn’t showing you love.

That partner that insists on taking all decisions, tells you what to eat, what to watch; chooses what you wear as if you were a child, decides where you can and cannot go isn’t showing you love.

That partner that puts you down at every opportunity, tells you how stupid and worthless you are, refuses to let you shine, acts like you’re nothing without them, isn’t showing you love.

That partner that says if you leave them, they’d hurt/ kill themselves, that blackmails you into being with them, that crushes you with their neediness isn’t showing you love.

What they are exhibiting is abuse. Seek aid. Talk to someone who can help. When/if you can, leave. There is nothing cute about abuse. Nothing sexy about a man who is insanely jealous or possessive. You’re not safe with such a man. Look at the statistics again. I agree, not every abusive husband/boyfriend kills his wife. However, every abusive husband/boyfriend has it in him to kill his wife. If not physically, then emotionally.  Don’t be a statistic.